Okay
by writeallnight
Summary: Takes place after "Home Is Where the Heart Is." Deeks returns to Kensi's hospital room, determined to figure out why she left him in the courtyard. The answer forces him to face his own fears about what their future holds.


A/N: I'm just...really not sorry for what you're about to read. Takes place after "Home Is Where the Heart Is."

* * *

It was well after 11:00 by the time Deeks slipped back into Kensi's hospital room. She'd told him not to come. But he couldn't go home until he saw her again, even if she was already asleep.

He still couldn't figure out what had happened today to take her mood from hopeful to depressed. He felt guilty for bringing her outside; felt like he'd pushed her too hard. She just needed a little more time. That was what he hoped anyway.

Kensi was lying on her side, facing away from him, but he could tell she was still awake despite the hour. She looked stiff, rigid. Apparently the time apart hadn't numbed whatever pain she was in, emotionally or physically.

He sank into the chair by her bed, wishing he knew what to say. Wishing for the thousandth time that he could just _fix_ this for her.

When she spoke her voice was flat and unwelcoming. "How did you get past the nurses?"

He waited for her to turn and look at him, but she didn't. "Bribed them. With donuts. I brought you one too. If you want it."

He set the paper bag on the nightstand but she still didn't move. There was a long silence. "You should go home."

He'd tried to prepare himself for the fact that she might not welcome his presence. But the words still stung. "I am home," he said softly.

She finally turned to face him, her eyes weary. "You know what I mean."

"And I meant what I said."

"I want to be alone, Deeks."

It felt like the early days of their partnership all over again; her annoyance at his very presence, the lack of trust. How had they come to this place when just days ago he'd put a ring on her finger?

"Babe, come on. Talk to me." He reached for her hand but she pulled away, driving a knife into his heart.

"Deeks," she shook her head, "I don't want to do this tonight."

"Do what?"

"Talk about…this!" she gestured to her legs, motionless under the blankets. "I don't want to talk."

"Kens, I don't understand. What happened today? You were fine this morning."

"No, I was not fine this morning. I was paralyzed this morning, and this afternoon, and yesterday, and I will be tomorrow too."

He was so confused, just couldn't understand what was happening in the mind of his beautiful, brave partner. "The doctor said—"

"That this might be as good as it gets. How long are we going to go on pretending like it's going to change? It's going to be a little hard to stay in denial when we're adding wheelchair ramp to the house."

"Hey, come on now."

"Just go, Deeks."

"I just think if we talk—"

"Deeks! I don't want to hear any more words of encouragement. I don't want to hear that this isn't permanent. You don't know, and you don't understand, and I can't keep sitting here pretending that I'm okay when I'm not. I am crippled, Deeks. I am bound to a bed and I can't even get up to go to the bathroom alone. You have _no idea_ what it's like. So please stop trying to help and just leave me alone."

"I can't do that."

"Yes, you can!" Her eyes blazed with fire but he refused to back down. Couldn't. Wouldn't. No matter how badly her words wounded him, she was hurting more. He wasn't giving up.

"Baby, whatever you say, I am not leaving. You can yell and scream at me. You want to throw something? Go ahead. I can take it. But I will not leave you here to suffer alone."

"Deeks, please, _please_ go." She sounded desperate to have him out of the room, out of her life, and even though it twisted the knife a little further in his heart he pressed on anyway, determined to figure out what was going on in her mind.

"Are you upset about NCIS? Because if you can't go back, I'll quit. It doesn't mean anything to me without you there. I'll leave NCIS, LAPD, whatever you need. I'll sell custom hats on a street corner if that will make you happy."

"Deeks—"

"Please don't shut me out. Whatever you need me to do, I will do it but-"

" _I don't know if I can live like this_!"

The anguished words fell from her lips and he went immediately still. She couldn't even look at him as he stared at her, certain he'd misheard.

Kensi spoke again, slowly, measured. "I don't know if I can live like this, and I don't want to talk to you about it right now, okay?"

"What?" It was all that came out so stunned was he by this pronouncement.

She closed her eyes, her hands fisting in the sheets. "I'm not the same. I'm not…whole anymore."

Deeks felt as if he'd been shot. How could she possibly think that? "Being hurt doesn't make you less of a person. It doesn't make me love you any less. Want you any less. I don't love you because you can run down a suspect or because you can hit a bull's eye from fifty yards. I still want you. _All_ of you."

"But I don't want you to," she seemed to struggle for words.

"What do you mean, you don't want me to?"

"Deeks, I can't be a burden like this to you."

"Kens, you could never be a burden. I'm just grateful that you're still here."

He reached for her again, but she continued to away, refused to allow him to touch her. What she said next would be seared into his mind for the rest of his life. "I'm just supposed to be happy to be alive, right? Grateful that I have any legs left at all? Grateful that this might cost me the job that I've worked for my entire life? That you might have to carry me around all day, every day? That I won't be able to climb the stairs, or walk down the aisle to you, or run around with our children."

At this a broken sob wrenched itself from her soul, and she could no longer hold back the angry tears that streamed down her face. "People are going to stare and pity me. I will be _useless_. I can't do it, Deeks. I can't be grateful for a future that will be nothing but hard for us. That you'll have to wake up beside this…this broken woman in your bed _every single day_ and wonder what could have been. How could you possibly still want that? How could you still want me? I don't even want me."

Her confession sucked the air from his lungs as she curled onto her side and turned away from him again, crying harder than he'd ever seen her do. He couldn't take it anymore, being so far away from her. Sliding onto the bed he pulled her into his arms. "Deeks, don't," she choked out, trying to push him off.

"Shh…" he stroked her hair, refused to let her go. "It's okay. It's okay."

Her whole body shook, sobs wracking her frame that had become so thin in the last few weeks. She finally caved into his touch, gripping his hand so tightly he thought it might break right along with his heart.

She was destroyed, and he hadn't even seen it. She'd been hiding all this fear under a veil of courage and then, when that failed her, she'd buried it in her anger until she couldn't hold on anymore.

As he held her in that bed, he suddenly realized that his faith and support might not be enough this time. The thought drew his own tears to the surface and he buried his face in her hair trying to be as close to her as possible. For the first time since the helicopter crash that had brought them here, he stopped trying to be her cheerleader and allowed the full weight of his own sadness, fear, and pain to wash over him. If he'd been standing it would have brought him to his knees.

They lay there for hours, wrapped around one another, drowning in a sea of broken dreams and uncertainty. There was nothing he could say, nothing he could do but keep holding her. Because in all honesty, the fears that she had just voiced were the same ones he'd been secretly wrestling with for weeks: that their love for one another might not be strong enough to overcome this. That whatever future they had left…it might not be together.

Dawn light was peeking in through the windows before either of them spoke again.

"I don't know how to do this." Her whispered fear was so broken, so anguished it nearly tore him in half.

He closed his eyes. "Me neither."

They were not okay.

* * *

A/N: Let me take this time to say that I 100% believe that Densi is going to be fine. But, I am kind of really loving seeing this side of them that doesn't know how to deal with this situation. It feels very real to me. And good golly, if you don't look into Eric Christian Olsen's eyes and feel your heart break you must not actually have a heart. Because it is the most beautiful thing. Ugh. Leave your love in the reviews!


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